Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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