tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
