Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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