I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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