i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
