I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
