when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
