We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I need water and some morals
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
