There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
