bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
