i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
