Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
