Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
