On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
