also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
