Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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