First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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