i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
