wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
