fuck your aforementioned shoe
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
