The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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