You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
