First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
