An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
