All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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