I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
