so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
