Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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