Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
