All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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