You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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