My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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