My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
