Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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