after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
