I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
