I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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