You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
