Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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