we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Text me some of your sweat
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