My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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