Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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