did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
