Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
