He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
