So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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