It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
