Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
