I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize