My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
