but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
