So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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