My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
