Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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