Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
