I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
