also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
